My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
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Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
new year update: losing everything but weight
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Why soy sad?
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy