me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
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rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY