Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
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I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Practicing safe sax
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later