Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
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Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.