me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
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ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Jesus Christ lmao
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.