I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
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When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered