Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of shariv67's best tweets

@shariv67 : I sleep with my grandad's WWII bayonet under my pillow. You never know when someone might break in and start filming Antiques Road Show.

@shariv67: God grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I will not read.

@shariv67: Parents tell you their baby's weight because they have no other information. They can't say "Meet Jim, a free spirit who's into yodeling."

@shariv67: Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.

@shariv67: "Well well well if it isn't the guy I'm stalking."

"Get out of my hamper."

@shariv67: One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit 'add your location' to a tweet.

@shariv67: This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in...
*shuffle shuffle*
...hippopotamus.

@shariv67: Hello? I'd like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four........ty-seven.

@shariv67: I'm the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.

@shariv67: No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You've gotta respect that.