Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
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I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
I’m dying louder than usual today.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.