My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
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CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
This is the one
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”