Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
You Might Also Like
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
I wish this was real life…
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?