[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
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[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.