sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
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Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
did it work
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*