Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of shawnspree's best tweets

@shawnspree : In the old days when people knocked on the door, you could hide. Now you have to disconnect from internet and turn off cell phones.

@shawnspree: Smile and the world smiles with you. Laugh and the world wants you to stop looking at your phone and drive.

@shawnspree: My condolences for you and your family through this difficult transition is why my wife won't let me send back wedding RSVP cards.

@shawnspree: Me: (Insert inspirational quote here)

Wife: Wow. That's deep, who said that?

Me: I did. Didn't you hear me speak just now?

@shawnspree: Squiggly line squiggly line space
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~me reading Arabic DM

@shawnspree: Is this the movie where a down and out coach is given a chance of a lifetime to turn these nobodies and misfits into a winning team?

@shawnspree: Father's Day is the day my wife gets on all fours and lets me do ANYTHING I want to her. I usually lay back and use her as an ottoman.

@shawnspree: I always carry a small bottle of Tabasco when I fly. You never know when you're going to crash in the Alps & have to live by eating people.

@shawnspree: Banned an 80 year old man for life from attending NBA games. What's that? Like maybe 10 years?

@shawnspree: It's not sex until you walk away with a nose bleed, and the Eye Of The Tiger song is still playing in your head.