Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
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I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
me linking you to my twitter
They grow up so quick
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Put this video in the Louvre