Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
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I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
motivation
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes