[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
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Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao