Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
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Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
the composer
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.