My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
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Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
fired
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.