Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
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me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”