Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
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Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.