I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
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just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
October already? What’s next? November????
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade