Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
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“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
what are they serving at kfc then???
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
I’m just playing devils avocado here
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.