Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
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My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Me, flirting😏
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.