Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
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The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
courtroom exchange of the day
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.