87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
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Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Him: We鈥檙e going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn鈥檛 want you to be found with any identifiers
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn鈥檛 find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He鈥檚 been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 馃檨
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
*receiving flowers
I don鈥檛 know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
“That’s what” – She
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Hospital bills feel like:
Here鈥檚 a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.