Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of simoncholland's best tweets

@simoncholland : Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.

@simoncholland: The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

@simoncholland: Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it's written on before Thanksgiving.

@simoncholland: Apparently it’s "against church policy" to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.

@simoncholland: Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.

@simoncholland: Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.

@simoncholland: My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

@simoncholland: I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.

@simoncholland: You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.

@simoncholland: A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.