Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of simoncholland's best tweets

@simoncholland : No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.

@simoncholland: I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.

@simoncholland: If my daughter hasn't figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that's her own problem.

@simoncholland: Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day

@simoncholland: It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.

-elementary schools

@simoncholland: All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

@simoncholland: I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.

@simoncholland: My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.

@simoncholland: All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.

@simoncholland: Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again