@simoncholland: I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
@simoncholland: If my daughter hasn't figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that's her own problem.
@simoncholland: Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
@simoncholland: It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
@simoncholland: All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
@simoncholland: I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
@simoncholland: My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
@simoncholland: All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
@simoncholland: Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again