@simoncholland: I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
@simoncholland: [Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How 'bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we've been over this, I don't know how many McNuggets it will hold.
@simoncholland: Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven't had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
@simoncholland: The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
@simoncholland: My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she's either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
@simoncholland: Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren't just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
@simoncholland: Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
@simoncholland: 2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
@simoncholland: The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don't work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.