Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of simoncholland's best tweets

@simoncholland : Let's get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.

@simoncholland: If your kid asks for a napkin it's already too late.

@simoncholland: My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.

@simoncholland: You wouldn't believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.

@simoncholland: Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don't like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.

Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that's weird.

@simoncholland: I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.

@simoncholland: People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.

@simoncholland: This sink looks like my kids' toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.

@simoncholland: You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.

@simoncholland: It's fine to eat a "test" grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it's all, "sir you need to leave."