Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of simoncholland's best tweets

@simoncholland : You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.

@simoncholland: A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.

@simoncholland: Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.

@simoncholland: To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.

@simoncholland: No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.

@simoncholland: I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.

@simoncholland: If my daughter hasn't figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that's her own problem.

@simoncholland: Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day

@simoncholland: It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.

-elementary schools

@simoncholland: All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.