Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of simoncholland's best tweets

@simoncholland : Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.

@simoncholland: Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That's my kid telling a story.

@simoncholland: I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.

@simoncholland: You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.

@simoncholland: All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

@simoncholland: Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?

@simoncholland: My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she's either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.

@simoncholland: Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.

@simoncholland: Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.

@simoncholland: I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.