Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of simoncholland's best tweets

@simoncholland : Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.

@simoncholland: I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.

@simoncholland: I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.

@simoncholland: Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.

@simoncholland: One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.

@simoncholland: Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.

@simoncholland: I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

@simoncholland: We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it's fun to not be able to open that drawer.

@simoncholland: Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.

@simoncholland: The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.