Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of simoncholland's best tweets

@simoncholland : My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.

@simoncholland: All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.

@simoncholland: Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again

@simoncholland: Store clerk: May I help you?

Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.

@simoncholland: My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.

@simoncholland: I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.

@simoncholland: I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.

@simoncholland: Apparently it is "against church policy" to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.

@simoncholland: Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*

Kohl's cashier: You saved $439 today.

@simoncholland: Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren't just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?