Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of simoncholland's best tweets

@simoncholland : Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren't just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

@simoncholland: [Me, on my deathbed]

Wife: Is that what you're going to wear?

@simoncholland: I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I'm bringing a wireless router.

@simoncholland: [5:45 AM]
Daughter: "Daddy can you make me breakfast?"

Me: "Can you not reach your Halloween candy?"

@simoncholland: My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we're handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

@simoncholland: At some point all those Legos I've kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.

@simoncholland: My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

@simoncholland: There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, "your kids."

@simoncholland: My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.

@simoncholland: If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.