I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
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Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT