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Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Okay
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings