if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
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Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”