I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
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Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??