Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
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coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me