Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
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Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
just having fun
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Ok who’s got my black socks?
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.