Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of sixfootcandy's best tweets

@sixfootcandy : Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her. Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened. Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand* Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.

@sixfootcandy: HUSBAND: Why are you late?

ME: I was at church.

HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?

@sixfootcandy: Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.

@sixfootcandy: Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}

@sixfootcandy: HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?

ME: Yes, it's called frosting.

@sixfootcandy: HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?

(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)

ME: Yes.

@sixfootcandy: Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.

@sixfootcandy: You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.

@sixfootcandy: No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.

@sixfootcandy: It's always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.