@sixfootcandy: Me: Wouldn't it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
@sixfootcandy: Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
@sixfootcandy: [moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
@sixfootcandy: Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
@sixfootcandy: When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
@sixfootcandy: Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.