Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of sixfootcandy's best tweets

@sixfootcandy : Me: Everyone should adopt a dog. Him: Some people don't like dogs. M: Who? H: I don't know. Some people. M: Who?! I want names and numbers!

@sixfootcandy: Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.

@sixfootcandy: BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*

ME: *dives out of the way*

@sixfootcandy: Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.

@sixfootcandy: Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.

@sixfootcandy: HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?

ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?

HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?

ME: I love you.

@sixfootcandy: Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids...but I gave my dog a new key.

@sixfootcandy: [parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer's Glue off my palm] What?

@sixfootcandy: My friend's kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he's my favorite person.

@sixfootcandy: When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question...do I mind spilling food on this?