Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of sixfootcandy's best tweets

@sixfootcandy : My husband thinks it's funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.

@sixfootcandy: Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It's a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma'am, will you-
Me: Yes! I'll marry you.

@sixfootcandy: Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma'am, I was talking about the eye chart.

@sixfootcandy: Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.

@sixfootcandy: The 5 second rule doesn’t count if you have a 3 second dog.

@sixfootcandy: Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*

@sixfootcandy: Her: What are you wearing for New Year's Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn't make it into my mouth.

@sixfootcandy: Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: "Why? I'm fine," I say while detailing the neighbor's car.

@sixfootcandy: Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.

@sixfootcandy: Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don't make another pap uncomfortable.