@sixfootcandy: Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I'll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Me: What? *click*
@sixfootcandy: Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
@sixfootcandy: If you're into audio you're an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you're a Francophile.
This is why I can't get involved with PETA.
@sixfootcandy: Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
@sixfootcandy: Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
@sixfootcandy: Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say "contains peanuts?"
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
@sixfootcandy: Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?