Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of sixfootcandy's best tweets

@sixfootcandy : I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.

@sixfootcandy: HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.

ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.

@sixfootcandy: I have a horrible memory, unless we're discussing something you did wrong.

@sixfootcandy: Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I'm too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)

@sixfootcandy: HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.

ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?

@sixfootcandy: COP: Good evening, ma'am. 

ME: Is my neighbor complaining about the music again?

COP: No.

ME: The weed?

COP: No. 

ME: Great. Would you like to come in for some music and weed?

@sixfootcandy: Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they're

@sixfootcandy: HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?

ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.

@sixfootcandy: “Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.

@sixfootcandy: Housekeeping: Ma'am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?