Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of sixfootcandy's best tweets

@sixfootcandy : Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning. Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.

@sixfootcandy: Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I'll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*

@sixfootcandy: Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.

Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.

@sixfootcandy: If you're into audio you're an Audiophile.

If you love French culture you're a Francophile.

This is why I can't get involved with PETA.

@sixfootcandy: I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.

@sixfootcandy: Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.

@sixfootcandy: Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.

Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.

@sixfootcandy: Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.

Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.

@sixfootcandy: Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say "contains peanuts?"
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.

@sixfootcandy: Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?

Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.

Husband: So get the blue stuff?

Me: Yes.