Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of sixfootcandy's best tweets

@sixfootcandy : Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What's up?

@sixfootcandy: (Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?

@sixfootcandy: Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?

Me: Maybe for free HBO.

Cable Guy:

Me: I'm kidding...sort of...not really.

Cable Guy:

@sixfootcandy: I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.

@sixfootcandy: Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma'am, are you having a stroke?

@sixfootcandy: My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn't walk to the donut shop.

@sixfootcandy: Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it's because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.

@sixfootcandy: Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.

@sixfootcandy: [camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s'more?
Me: No.
Him: You're lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.