Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of sixfootcandy's best tweets

@sixfootcandy : BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes? ME: Can it wait until tomorrow? BOSS: Sure. Busy day? ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.

@sixfootcandy: [trick-or-treating]

Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!

Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.

@sixfootcandy: Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?

Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.

@sixfootcandy: Him: Why are you late?
Me: I was at church.
Him: I find that hard to believe.
Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?

@sixfootcandy: Him: smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.

@sixfootcandy: Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I'm in.

@sixfootcandy: Him: Why are the lights out? Are u avoiding trick or treaters?
Me (Peeling a Snickers bar by the light of my iPhone): Exactly.

@sixfootcandy: "The Burning Bush" but it's just me getting laser hair removal.

@sixfootcandy: Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We're married now.

@sixfootcandy: Why do they call her "Grumpy Cat" and not "Sourpuss?"