@sixfootcandy: I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
@sixfootcandy: [LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
@sixfootcandy: Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
@sixfootcandy: Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
@sixfootcandy: Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
@sixfootcandy: My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
@sixfootcandy: No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
@sixfootcandy: [doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!