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Page of sixfootcandy's best tweets

@sixfootcandy : *knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*

(raises arms in the air)


@sixfootcandy: I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.

@sixfootcandy: [LA Earthquake]

Me: Wow, do you feel tha-

Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!

@sixfootcandy: Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.

Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?

Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?

@sixfootcandy: Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.

@sixfootcandy: Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.

Me: (awkward silence)

@sixfootcandy: My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?

@sixfootcandy: I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.

@sixfootcandy: No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.

@sixfootcandy: [doctor’s office]

Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!