Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of sixfootcandy's best tweets

@sixfootcandy : Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery? Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.

@sixfootcandy: Me: Wouldn't it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.

@sixfootcandy: Husband: *snoring*

Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP

Husband: What the hell?

Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?

@sixfootcandy: [moving day]

Me: Here we go. Bye house.

Husband: You forgot the kids.

Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.

@sixfootcandy: Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.

@sixfootcandy: *tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*

@sixfootcandy: When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”

@sixfootcandy: Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.

@sixfootcandy: Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.

Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.