@sixfootcandy: HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
@sixfootcandy: I have a horrible memory, unless we're discussing something you did wrong.
@sixfootcandy: Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I'm too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
@sixfootcandy: HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
@sixfootcandy: COP: Good evening, ma'am.
ME: Is my neighbor complaining about the music again?
ME: The weed?
ME: Great. Would you like to come in for some music and weed?
@sixfootcandy: HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
@sixfootcandy: “Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
@sixfootcandy: Housekeeping: Ma'am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?