@sixfootcandy: Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
@sixfootcandy: BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
@sixfootcandy: Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
@sixfootcandy: HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
@sixfootcandy: Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids...but I gave my dog a new key.
@sixfootcandy: [parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer's Glue off my palm] What?
@sixfootcandy: My friend's kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he's my favorite person.
@sixfootcandy: When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question...do I mind spilling food on this?