“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
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my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.