I put the p in pants.
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Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.