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Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off