Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
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gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
With this onion ring, I thee fed
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
oh u like geography? name every lake
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.