Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
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Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Spring cleaning checklist…
I only eat vegetarians.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Okay, I’m still confused…
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?