Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of slaughthie's best tweets

@slaughthie : Who called it baking and not making love

@slaughthie: My anaconda don't want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.

@slaughthie: Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz "you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari" which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best

@slaughthie: I got called "vein" and I'm just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you

@slaughthie: You breed dogs? Don't they do that on their own?

@slaughthie: All I'm saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.

@slaughthie: I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said "day before Valentine's Day" like I'm some genius who knows when Valentine's Day is.

@slaughthie: Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say "well, she was always kind of like this."

@slaughthie: My friends most commonly describe me as "who?"

@slaughthie: Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I'm crying alone in parking lots.