The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
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the three branches of government
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.