[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
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Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*