Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
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Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Two types of dogs.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
No laws when master is gone
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.