CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 馃馃
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If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
marvel comics have peaked
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it鈥檚 not so he can take a selfie with you.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven鈥檛 gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
[on a date]
him: I hope you鈥檙e a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
them: says here you鈥檒l be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that鈥檚 funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.