Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of slyoung5's best tweets

@slyoung5 : Note to self: 1) Your memory sucks. 2) Write note to self.

@slyoung5: Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.

@slyoung5: A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn't work, carjacking does.

@slyoung5: If you're starved for time, eat a watch.

@slyoung5: Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.

@slyoung5: You're suppose to wear clean underwear in case you're ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.

@slyoung5: Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.

@slyoung5: Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.

@slyoung5: Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?

@slyoung5: Lady came to front door & asked if I'd donate to new pool they're building for kids. I told her to hang on & came back with a glass of water