Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
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kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left