I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
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The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
it was a valiant fight
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Mummies are just super modest zombies
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
“Huge”.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.