[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
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4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
#damn
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Follow me for more life hacks.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar