Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
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Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
I feel attacked.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”