Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
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My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]