@smithsara79: [surprising my bf at work]

Me: Hey you *wink*

Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We've been over this, lady, either buy something or leave

@smithsara79: FRIEND: so how are you?

ME: I'm well, thanks!

FRIEND: what's new?

ME: not much!

FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?

ME: why are you doing this to me

@smithsara79: Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I'm not mom's favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?

@smithsara79: Roses are red, violets are-

Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!

@smithsara79: [trying to make a new friend]

...so that's the worst thing that's ever happened to me, now you go

@smithsara79: Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*

My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would've happened if you drank more water

@smithsara79: Me: *trying to sleep but can't stop sniffling* sorry, the box of tissues on my nightstand is empty

Him: if it's empty, it isn't a "box of tissues," it's just a box

Me: *already blowing my nose on his sleeve*

@smithsara79: Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful

Him: Those are my mom's ashes!

Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense

@smithsara79: [someone is rude to me online]
It's really not worth getting upset over this

[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today