Funny Tweeter

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Page of smithsara79's best tweets

@smithsara79 : [trying to make a new friend] ...so that's the worst thing that's ever happened to me, now you go

@smithsara79: Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*

My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would've happened if you drank more water

@smithsara79: Me: *trying to sleep but can't stop sniffling* sorry, the box of tissues on my nightstand is empty

Him: if it's empty, it isn't a "box of tissues," it's just a box

Me: *already blowing my nose on his sleeve*

@smithsara79: Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful

Him: Those are my mom's ashes!

Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense

@smithsara79: [someone is rude to me online]
It's really not worth getting upset over this

[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today

@smithsara79: Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?

BF: Haha your hair!

Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures

@smithsara79: The fastest land animal is me when I'm upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room

@smithsara79: Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me

@smithsara79: Date: I'm pretty easygoing, you?

Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don't know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.

@smithsara79: Me: Hey Mom!

My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time

Me: Wha-

Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!