Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of smithsara79's best tweets

@smithsara79 : Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I'd- Some guy: Be rich? Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it

@smithsara79: Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won't you come and wash away the rain

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right

@smithsara79: "Better safe than sorry," I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car

@smithsara79: "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take," I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text

@smithsara79: OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?

Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.

@smithsara79: *4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building

Her: It's so tall, I almost touched the moon!

Me: Oh you are so full of shit!

@smithsara79: Me: *crying* B-but... but you said...

Waiter: *sigh* "Unlimited" breadsticks, I know ma'am, but we're closing now & you have to go

@smithsara79: Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?

Friend: Didn't you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?

Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*

@smithsara79: You don't really know true fear until you're headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs