@smithsara79: Me: *gets up to go pee*

My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!

@smithsara79: John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!

Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works

@smithsara79: [dropping my bf off at the airport]

Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much

Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!

Me: wait wha-

Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!

@smithsara79: [thanksgiving dinner]

Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive

My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!

@smithsara79: [first time trying standup]

Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-

*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT

Me: Please, mom, not now

@smithsara79: [surprising my bf at work]

Me: Hey you *wink*

Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We've been over this, lady, either buy something or leave

@smithsara79: FRIEND: so how are you?

ME: I'm well, thanks!

FRIEND: what's new?

ME: not much!

FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?

ME: why are you doing this to me

@smithsara79: Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I'm not mom's favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?

@smithsara79: Roses are red, violets are-

Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!