@smithsara79: Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
@smithsara79: John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
@smithsara79: [dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
@smithsara79: [thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
@smithsara79: [first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
@smithsara79: [surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We've been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
@smithsara79: FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I'm well, thanks!
FRIEND: what's new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
@smithsara79: Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I'm not mom's favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
@smithsara79: Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!