@smithsara79: Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would've happened if you drank more water
@smithsara79: Me: *trying to sleep but can't stop sniffling* sorry, the box of tissues on my nightstand is empty
Him: if it's empty, it isn't a "box of tissues," it's just a box
Me: *already blowing my nose on his sleeve*
@smithsara79: Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom's ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
@smithsara79: [someone is rude to me online]
It's really not worth getting upset over this
[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
@smithsara79: Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
@smithsara79: The fastest land animal is me when I'm upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
@smithsara79: Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
@smithsara79: Date: I'm pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don't know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
@smithsara79: Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!