If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
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Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
#catsoftwitter
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
is nasa ok
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.