My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
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Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation